Sympathy and Empathy

Many people get empathy and sympathy mixed up but they’re really very different things. Empathy means that you fully understand the speaker’s position, and also understand what they are going through. Having empathy demands some degree of respect.

Sympathy is much less useful as it means you are actually placing yourself in another’s position. It means you understand their pain because you've been through the exact same experience. Sympathy can often seem very similar to pity – which few people want.

Also, if a person’s thinking contains errors, giving them unqualified sympathy means that you are re-enforcing their erroneous thinking.

Imagine that a friend tells you they are upset because every night a little green man from Mars visits their bedroom arriving through the window in his shiny flying saucer – what would you say? If you were sympathetic, everything you would say would be supporting their obvious delusion.

But if you were empathetic, you would tell them that you understand how anxious they've become but then go on to try to return them to reality by informing them that there are, in fact, no flying saucers.

Empathy is the best approach in almost all situations. As their friend you should respect the turmoil they’re going through. You should listen carefully and then make comments based on genuine respect for what they are going through.

Empathy is widely used by psychologists, beauticians, taxi drivers and bartenders. Sympathy usually comes from well-meaning friends.

Always seek to explain why it is you can understand her situation and how she feels about it. You nod quietly when she describes her life’s events. If you do this right she will come away thinking of you as the only man in the world who truly understands her.

If you can, try to agree with her statements and always acknowledge that her suffering is genuine. If you strongly disagree with something she’s said – simply ignore the comment and move the conversation in some new direction. This is what politicians do with questions they don’t want to answer.

Above all don’t argue and never be judgmental as in your situation you have nothing to win and everything to lose.

Agreement makes you more attractive as it validates her opinions, which is bound to positively influence her. Agreement means we share views, outlooks and expectations and are building common ground.

Dale Carnegie: “The royal road to a person’s heart is
to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”

We are much more likely to fall in love with someone who expresses some level of appreciation for us as a person. This means respecting her views and accomplishments. If she is proud of her career dealings, tell her you respect her accomplishments but be careful to do it subtly.

Read the next sentence repeatedly until you fully understand it.

Anyone is much more likely to fall in love with someone
who validates their most deeply held opinion of themselves.

As you systematically validate her self-image, she will become more familiar with you and find herself more attracted to you. And as I’ve said elsewhere - she will overlook even the most obvious physical shortcomings.

Let her talk, don’t interrupt. Women have a deep need to express themselves. As she talks, nod at the appropriate moments. She may talk on and on and you’ll be very tempted to interrupt but don’t. Let her talk herself out. Very few single men are really good listeners. This is yet another way you can stand out from the crowd.

After she has made her point and exhausted her thoughts, she’ll pause which can be your opportunity to speak. Very few men have the patience to do this properly.

Most men assume that when a woman speaks to them she has a problem that needs a solution. Not true. She may just need to talk and express herself. If you want to please her, just allow her to speak until she’s done. She’ll then feel relaxed and more connected to you.

Listening builds intimacy and trust. To show that you’re listening attentively you might even want to rephrase her comments in your own words and repeat them back to be sure you fully understand her.

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